Headlines in several papers last week said that epidurals for women in childbirth should not be administered free unless 'absolutely necessary'. This was a suggestion from the Royal College of Midwives and went on to say that it thought women who demanded epidurals willy nilly should have to pay for them – at least £200 a time – unless someone was able to confirm that the treatment was 'necessary', in which case they would be as free as they are now. Now I should stop here and explain to any male readers, who may not know what an epidural is or who may wish to discontinue reading about female bits and pieces, that an epidural is given to women in childbirth which renders them numb from the waist down, thus giving a painless, or fairly painless, delivery. Which is OK for an awful lot of women. My first thought was that this suggestion could only have come from a man, probably an accountant from the Royal College etc who saw a way of saving a few bob for the National Health Service and thus get a few pats on the back and a CBE later in life. Or it could have been one of those new executive women, all smart suits and shoulder pads, who have certainly never had to lie on their backs with their legs in the air while surrounded by a group of complete strangers all shouting: 'Push'. Believe me, if they had, they would be slightly more sympathetically disposed towards something to take the edge off things. Oddly enough, we have Queen Victoria to thank for pain relief in childbirth. She popped out quite a few babies during her early reign and somewhere along the line a royal surgeon, no doubt with an eye to an early knighthood, let slip that a whiff of chloroform might help. It did, and she probably got out her sword and dubbed him there and then. Even though the Queen was in favour, not everyone agreed with 'painless' childbirth. It's a sort of British idea that a stiff upper lip should be applied to pain. Why, for instance, did dentists, until very recently, ask if you wanted an injection for a filling or would you be happy to go without? Translate this into: 'Would you like ten minutes of sheer, unadulterated agony or would you like a small prick in the gun and a relatively pain-free treatment?' Real men, and always men, probably plumped for the former. We women would happily plump for an injection before sitting down in the dentist's chair, prior to even opening our mouths. There was a kind of consensus of opinion that in order to produce a child you had to experience a certain amount of discomfort. Otherwise you wouldn't appreciate the miracle of a baby. Besides which, it probably acted as a very efficient sort of birth control for at least the next three months. When I had my first baby, epidurals were not offered. We didn't know they existed. Everyone in childbirth circles had probably conspired to keep their existence a deadly secret. If they had been, the offer would probably have been couched in terms of: 'Would you like to feel as if your stomach was being pummelled from the outside by a herd of rhinoceros and gnawed from the inside by a pack of rabid squirrels or would you like to be completely dead from the waist down and not feel anything? OK, we'll do the rabid squirrel thing and you'll be happy afterwards to have felt the whole lovely experience.' Some women actually believed this. Some, when having had a Caesarian section, would say that they felt as if they hadn't really had a baby at all. In which case, they must have wondered what that little squealing thing that was keeping them up all night when they got home was. But then some women have lower pain thresholds than others and you frequently don't know what your threshold is until it's too late and you're biting the doctor. What we had way back then were the fairly new, natural childbirth classes to which husbands were also invited. Nowadays it's unusual not to see a husband involved in the whole process of childbirth, from start to finish. In those days they might have been there at the start but nobody really wanted them at the finish. They should have been in the four ale bar of the local pub where they belonged. Midwives issued dire warnings about husbands fainting and bringing in germs when it was first suggested that men should attend the birth of their child. Some men heartily agreed with the midwives. Now, most men have to think up a jolly good excuse not to be in at the birth, and not standing the sight of blood isn't good enough. Natural childbirth didn't exactly promise painless childbirth, but it did teach relaxation and pain- control breathing and the teachers were always lovely and had obviously been in the prone position themselves, so knew what they were talking about. The whole thing was fine except when you got to the hospital some of the staff had never heard of natural childbirth or didn't believe in it and kept interrupting your breathing exercises to plump up the pillows and told you to shut up when you starting doing the panting. I was lucky in that my first child was born in a modern hospital with a staff of young midwives. They gave injections and didn't stint on the gas and air machine although they gently explained that too much gas and air might hold the birth up. Floating on a lovely cloud, I didn't care – and said I wasn't going anywhere anyway, so take your time. Not so lucky was a friend who had a baby six months after mine. She had an elderly midwife with a medieval mindset who told her to stop making a fuss and: 'You'd think nobody had ever had a baby before the noise you're making.' She would only let her take a few paltry whiffs of the gas and air occasionally. My friend ended up in an ungainly heap trying to forcibly wrestle the gas machine away from the woman while screaming obscenities at her. Fortunately in German, which was her native language. Today, pain relief can be many things: acupuncture, water births, gas and air, injection, meditation, and epidurals. I've never had an epidural, I don't know if I would have had if it was offered. What I do know is that the chance for painless delivery shouldn't be based on those who can afford it and those who can't. Cash shouldn't come into it. If epidurals are in some way harmful, that's a medical decision. If it's a financial decision, which it so often is, then it's discrimination. And how do you decide when it's necessary and when it isn't? Childbirth isn't an exact science, nobody knows what's likely to happen until it's happening. Will the mother have to carry a credit card into the delivery room in case she needs to make a quick payment if things get too much, or will they accept an IOU? Will accountants be hovering outside the door with calculators ready to intervene if someone who isn't yelling loud enough is about to get a blessed injection? That's probably silly, but then it's a silly suggestion. I don't suppose that it will ever come about anyway, because the bright person who thought of it has probably realised the error or his or her ways, and if it's a he has had to face the wrath of a wife who may painfully remind him that saving a few bob is not always worth it in the long run.